Letter From The Editor: February

Hiiiee, it me again. Been awhile lol. Been a lot. I think enough has been said about how we’re living in “unprecedented times”, and 2020-present being a rollercoaster is beyond an understatement. Fuck day-by-day, I feel like I’ve been taking it minute-by-minute. We all experienced loss, depression, uncertainty, and massive anxiety - as well as deep shadow work on a global scale. For me it hasn’t been shocking so much as the universe and the planet being like, you guys are fucking up, can you chill a bit?? We can’t keep moving forward as we’ve been, clearly.

If 20/20 is perfect vision, then I feel like 2020 was the year that the veil just like, fully lifted - and everyone showed their ass. I feel like we were a society caught up in individualism, the pleasure of instant gratification, with little thought of tomorrow. Only when we’re forced into an unprecedented state do people maybe stop a second to reflect and be like hold up, this whole world and all its ruling structures are rooted in white supremacy and capitalism - and they’re trash. I hope that we’re able to collectively move more towards right action, to actually give a shit about the important things even after the pandemic ends and people can get back to their general ratchetry.

So Hella Pinay went on hiatus last year (duh), but to be honest it had been a long time coming. Tbh I had really lost the passion for it; I was burnt out, broke and tired. I was overwhelmed. I felt like I didn’t have the tools, or the capacity, or the support, to grow the brand into the platform that I felt it deserved to be. And after almost a year reflecting on it, I understand that I was also really hurt and disappointed by my experiences with some members of the Filipino community here in the Bay. People I had considered family and who I thought were working towards the same goals. I experienced a lot of misogyny; I was scapegoated and mansplained, dismissed and gaslighted. And I didn’t even see it for what it was until it was pointed out to me by people outside of the situation(s), and honestly it was really shocking and depressing.

A homie posted this quote to IG stories the other day while I was starting to write this and it was just like, ding ding ding: “Some people will only ‘love you’ as much as they can use you. Their loyalty ends where the benefits stop.”

And like, word. These types of situations hurt, but in the end they really show you who’s with the shits and who isn’t - and that’s a lifesaver, really. You might think you’re in community with people, but in fact they’re only down for you until you realize your own value and start asking for reciprocal respect. So part of the hiatus felt like it came from disillusionment about that. I just didn’t want to put the work in anymore. Like, for what? The community that had originally brought me so much connection and fulfillment felt like it had became a source of disrespect and anxiety. (Not all of it, of course!! But sometimes bad experiences can make everything feel shitty if that’s what you’re choosing to see.)

But mostly, I think, I needed to focus on healing. I needed to retreat from the noise, from the demands, and build a solid, stable home foundation for myself - the first I’ve known in my entire life. Drop the addiction to chaos, to lack, to being unfulfilled. I needed to face the ugliness (both internal and external), and disappointment, and rediscover what it was that had drawn me to start Hella Pinay in the first place. And in the end, it was y’all. It all came back to community, to kapwa. The ones who are with the shits. You’ve helped me start to unfurl, to be interested in rejoining the world again. And instead of feeling scared, or anxious, I feel really really creative and good (lil anxious, but it me always lol). I feel confident that now I can take it where I’ve always wanted to, where I think it deserves to go. I’m learning to ask for support, I’m allowing myself to trust, and I’ve been able to bring on some team members who are also committed to creating what we want to see in the world.

Even now, as the anxiety creeps back, and I pressure myself, and I fear that I’ll burn out again and that this won’t be sustainable and we won’t ever get funding and blahblahblah, I remember the words of the homie kali (who’s going to be writing a column for HP, lucky you) that I don’t have to do everything. That I can take this at the pace that feels good, that we can ease back into it, letting it unfold in its time. That we can still be organic, and everything will align. If 2020 taught us anything, maybe it’s that we have to take things minute-by-minute, and just be as present as possible with our ever-shifting circumstances and emotions. I hope you’re all clawing through this time of deep shadow work, and giving yourself ease, and love. I’m glad to be here again with you.

<3 Steph